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  • November 12, 2011

    Demi Moore's Marriage Time Update

    As soon as I heard about the troubles in Demi Moore's marriage, I knew what I had to do. I sent her three big bags of Miss Vickie's chips, a roomy pair of warmup pants, and a note saying, "Breathe, Demi, let it all out. Just let go."

    That warm, gusty sound you hear coming from California is Moore, 48, heaving a huge sigh of relief.

    Moore worked hard at keeping her youthful appearance. It's not easy walking around with a collagen trout-pout and a neck that's ropier than the Calgary Stampede. In the end, it wasn't enough to keep Ashton Kutcher, 33, from betraying her.

    Now Moore can give up every-thing she did to keep her uncon-ventional marriage together - the brutal fitness/diet regime, the silly clothes (way more suitable for her teenage daughters) and the burden of tweeting constantly. Best of all, she won't have to massage Kutcher's vast male ego or put herself through more plastic surgery.




    The tabloids figure she's had sev-eral breast lifts, a tummy tuck, lipo-suction and a procedure to stop her knees going wrinkly. The knee job, that was a new one on me. I've never heard of a man growing disenchant-ed with his wife because she de-veloped laugh lines on her knees. But that's just me.

    Kutcher was photographed re-cently in a hot tub, bobbing on a sea of busty blonds. As the party raged on, he took Sara Leal, 22, to his hotel room. The next morning, he opened her robe and sighed contentedly. "Just checking," he told her. "I did good. You're really pretty." It was also the morning of his sixth wed-ding anniversary.

    Kutcher says he cheated on Moore "physically," but not "emotional-ly." That sounds like a line from Bill Clinton's playbook of absurd sexual distinctions.

    So Moore did what any wronged wife would do - she "unfollowed" him on Twitter. Then she went to a movie premiere wearing her reddest dress, a sleeveless number. In the photos, she looks like an exotic stick insect: unnaturally large head and scrawny arms and legs.

    Moore was a wealthy, famous star and Kutcher merely an up-an-com-ing actor when they started dating eight years ago. Things changed during their six years of marriage: the trophy husband eclipsed the cougar wife. He has taken on Charlie Sheen's bad-boy role in the hit TV show Two and a Half Men, while Moore's career has fizzled.

    Trophy wives have always been around, and the job description is pretty clear. Her role is to have a baby, and enjoy his wealthy life-style. But when the wife is richer, more successful and a lot older than her husband, there are no conventions to guide her.

    That's what made Moore and Kutcher interesting in more than soap opera terms. The power inversion in their marriage was seen as the vanguard of modern relation-ships. Now many women earn more than their husbands, and it seems to be working OK.

    I like to think of Demi and her daughters curled up on the couch, digging into pints of gourmet ice cream and watching an entire sea-son of Sex and the City in one marathon session. The kids are telling her to dump Kutcher to regain her self-esteem. I hope she's listening.

    Kutcher's philandering isn't so surprising. But how about Hugh Grant's behaviour? He's being all grown-up and decent about his baby daughter. The baby is the re-sult of a "fleeting affair" as his publicist put it, with Tinglan Hong, an actress who doesn't seem to have been in any movies.

    Grant has stashed Hong and the baby in a fancy London house, and even visited them on a day off from the movie he's making in Germany. He couldn't be happier or more sup-portive, according to the publicist.

    Instead of tearing off in his Ferrari, Grant should hang around for a while, maybe change a few dia-pers and be awake for the post-mid-night feedings. He could watch the baby while she's sleeping, and inhale that amazing new baby smell.

    Grant is 51, and has made one darn good movie, Four Weddings and a Funeral, and many not-so-good ones.

    Now he has the chance to be more than the sort of absentee father who writes big cheques and spoils his daughter with presents.

    It's true that being a dad requires more commitment than mere-ly improving his golf game. Grant might find it's worth it.